Things Tumblr needs: unlimited asks, +500kb gif size, more photosets layouts, chance to tag hyphens, chance to USE hyphens in urls without tricks, replies notifications, instant messaging, option to know when someone’s online
Things Karp gives us: fanmail
this post from early 2012 is a remarkable artifact, since almost all these features have since been introduced, and even people who were here for it barely remember fanmail
my two year old cousin loves looking at the pictures in my mdzs book (i checked beforehand to see if they were appropriate) and she stood there, entranced, for like, an hour looking at lan wangji. she’s so relatable
AO3 is under a DDoS attack meaning that the servers are purposefully being overwhelmed by an attacker. Please do not refresh ao3 related links because each time you do, another request is sent to the servers meaning you are contributing to the DDoS! Wait for the official announcement from their twitter and then visit the site because the servers will keep crashing otherwise!
fun treat: follow a random tag. personally i follow ‘fence’ and am constantly given 36 note images of random fences. if you’re posting about your fence on here i love you and am not a fence obsessed bot
Here at Tumblr, we’ve been working hard on trying to keep our sinking ship afloat for as long as possible. This means desperately trying to copy every new fly-by-night social media app that some multi-billionaire sh*t out during their daily Peloton routine. What follows is the strategy we’re using to accomplish the goal of user growth. If you find the things we say here worrisome, please understand that is our exact intention. You’ve outgrown our target demographic. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
The Diagnosis
It’s lookin’ pretty bad y'all!
After somehow losing hundreds of thousands of users during the great pr0n purge of 2018, we started to wonder if anything could be done to get back to where we were. We even brought in a management consultant who charged us a ridiculous amount of money. It would make you sick if you knew how much, but we got a few nice meals out of it at least. Anyhow, we handed this guy the app, and HE HAD NO IDEA HOW TO USE IT! It was f*cking hilarious! But suddenly it all clicked – our users are a bunch of stupid idiots who can’t even do basic arithmetic. I mean, they spend all day looking at their phones, so what do you expect?
Tumblr’s best feature is its unique content and vibrant communities. But who cares, right? We’re just as happy getting traffic from people sh*t-posting memes, vague-booking, giving out-of-context hot takes to news events, and spewing whatever random thought is in their head at the moment. Plus that stuff doesn’t p*ss off Apple.
To keep this thing going we need new people. And by “people” we mean teenagers, like we used to have back in the good ol’ days. Unfortunately we’re all in our 40s now, so we have no idea what they want. But teenagers are so cool! Imagine if they talked to us like we’re one of them? We’re getting hard just thinking about it.
Our Guidng Principls
To make Tumblr cool again, we must address these huge glaring issues.
People can look at a blog without logging in. How is that fair to all the poor schlubs who had to fill out forms to get an account? Also we haven’t figured out a way to force ads onto the personalized pages yet. But we swear that’s not the main reason.
People can see content they are looking for or linked to. People can keep up with blogs they follow. But the problem with this is, people don’t know what they want. We know what they want! We’re smart. We wrote this damn site, remember?
Promote posts that incite pointless conversations. Posts that are guaranteed to bait every troll into responding. Isn’t that why all your Magat relatives love Facebook so much? We can do that!
P*ss off your content creators in every way possible (see #2).
Create algorithms that throw an unending barrage of irrelevant content in your face. Have you seen Instagram lately? We could do that so easy!!!
The app is slow. The website is slow. Obviously this is because of GIFs. Facebook and Instagram don’t allow them, so why should we?
Conclusion
Our mission changes on a day-to-day basis. Right now we’re super jealous of all the attention that new Threads thing is getting. We’re still not sure what it is, but we’re gonna download it after work.
So I’ve been waiting 3 months for my “emergency” appointment with GI (“good luck don’t die” was the general vibe from the scheduler), and when I realized I was going to be Suffering on this liquid diet for 3 months in excruciating pain, I started leaving messages with the scheduler asking for them to move me up to the nearest available appointment.
Well, my appointment is this Wednesday, and you can’t imagine my surprise to get a text at 11pm on a Monday night informing me that my request for a sooner appointment has been granted. After months of waiting, I am being seen “early.”
Does this mean I’m getting seen tomorrow? No, my appointment is still on Wednesday. They just changed the time from 2pm to 1:30pm 🙃
I tried to change it back to 2pm because that’s what Mothman has scheduled his work around, but when I tried, all I got was a notification that the 2pm slot was taken (presumably by MY appointment) and that if I needed to change it, the next available appointment was in December.
ALT
